Hurricane IRENE: Report from LI

Despite a mandatory evacuation notice, my brother and I have holed up at our parents house. We’ve taped the windows with his oddly abundant stash of gaffer’s tape, cleared the gutters and moved furniture and various sundries away from the windows. We’ve taken beer breaks. We’ve made fried rice.

The steady drivel of Saturday Comedy Central can’t sustain us much longer. It’s only 6pm and we’ve already tired of Accepted. Not Lewis Black’s best work.

Both my sister and girlfriend are pleading for us to leave the face of Irene without so much as a kiss goodbye. No tender adieu. No good-luck-blowie for kicks. We intend to face this swirling cunt like Lt. Dan: swimming and singing our goodbyes.

We’ve accumulated the essentials:

  • 2 Cases of Beer: Anchor Steam Humming Ale, Sierra Nevada Regular
  • 3 Bottles Asst Whisk(e)y: Laphroig, Dewars, Hudson Whiskey NY Corn Whiskey
  • 1 Loaded Shotgun: To defend against looters and zombies
  • 20 Rounds (birdshot) in waterproof vessel; 6 in the chamber
  • 1 Sleeve of ice (six bags) to maintain hoppular coolity in case of power outage
  • 2 Walkie-talkies to maintain contact during bathroom runs
  • 3 Pirated Seasons of Mad Men
  • 10 Seasons of The Simpsons on DVD
  • 2 Cartons of cigarettes
  • Scented candles for light

Scary Movie 4 is on next. God Help Us All.

Stay tuned for reports from the front.


About chris

4 Responses to Hurricane IRENE: Report from LI

  1. Wes Shippee says:

    Louis – Scharff called. They want their 2″ gaff back.

  2. Wes Shippee says:

    Also, you smoke now?

  3. Molly S-H20 says:

    Basement, basement, basement. You’re making me very nervous, sir!

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