Hurricane IRENE: Report from LI

Despite a mandatory evacuation notice, my brother and I have holed up at our parents house. We’ve taped the windows with his oddly abundant stash of gaffer’s tape, cleared the gutters and moved furniture and various sundries away from the windows. We’ve taken beer breaks. We’ve made fried rice.

The steady drivel of Saturday Comedy Central can’t sustain us much longer. It’s only 6pm and we’ve already tired of Accepted. Not Lewis Black’s best work.

Both my sister and girlfriend are pleading for us to leave the face of Irene without so much as a kiss goodbye. No tender adieu. No good-luck-blowie for kicks. We intend to face this swirling cunt like Lt. Dan: swimming and singing our goodbyes.

We’ve accumulated the essentials:

• 2 Cases of Beer: Anchor Steam Humming Ale, Sierra Nevada Regular
• 3 Bottles Asst Whisk(e)y: Laphroig, Dewars, Hudson Whiskey NY Corn Whiskey
• 1 Loaded Shotgun: To defend against looters and zombies
• 20 Rounds (birdshot) in waterproof vessel; 6 in the chamber
• 1 Sleeve of ice (six bags) to maintain hoppular coolity in case of power outage
• 2 Walkie-talkies to maintain contact during bathroom runs
• 3 Pirated Seasons of Mad Men
• 10 Seasons of The Simpsons on DVD
• 2 Cartons of cigarettes
• Scented candles for light

Scary Movie 4 is on next. God Help Us All.

Stay tuned for reports from the front.

Sub: MTA & LIRR SMS/Email Alerts

To Whom It May Concern,

When I first learned of SMS and e-mail alerts, I thought to myself, “What a helpful service! Kudos, MTA/LIRR!” Now, three years hence, I’ve unsubscribed from all alerts. When I initially signed up I made sure to select only the hours in which this service would make a difference for me: The hours preceding my departure from home and work. Maddeningly, I could only select six-hour blocks, but c’est la vie; we all must make sacrifices when dealing with otherwise useful opportunities.

Up until 6 months ago I’d had nothing to complain about, but now I have a bone to pick. Messages are coming at all hours and at an irksome frequency (I’ve just received 6 text messages in 36 minutes). This is not a problem that exists between the seat and the keyboard, to use an industry phrase, as my settings have not changed and I clearly have my work hours blacked out and my colleagues and acquaintances are all receiving the unwanted “alerts.”

A note on these “Alerts”: An alert is not helpful if it comes while I’m already standing in Penn Station or packed on a train struck in the East River Tunnel. It would be helpful when a disruption first occurs so I know to stay at work as I have no reason to run for a train. Like so many people in Manhattan, I have stuff to do. With that said, I’ve taken note over the past two months and have noticed that in the past 4 major delays or significant incidents, alerts have not been sent at all, but the “all clear” is given some time later. I’d like to point out that Wins don’t count if you’re not accepting of the accompanying losses. Just putting that out there.

This is a system-wide issue that needs to be dealt with. And while I appreciate that this is a free service, you surely have staff devoted to it that is tasked with its oversight and care. The effectiveness of this staff needs to be evaluated because to quote Bruce Willis, “[They’ve] done a piss-poor job.” I look forward to any announcements about changes in the alert system and will re-subscribe at that time. For now, I must bid you adieu.

Just because we don’t have choices doesn’t mean you can treat your customers like idiots. You will also be able to find this letter on my blog: Aright, Doom!

All The Best,

Christopher Cona

 

[Ed Note: Join me in my fight against the LIRR. Comment below to show our strength.] #yesImserious

I Love German Cars unt Sabine Schmitz Sooooo Much

I love me four things that come from Bavaria: Beer, Brats, BMWs and Sabine Schmitz. This video has two of those things. And that ain’t bad. Part of the BMW Unscripted series, it’s a quick look at “Queen of the ‘Ring,” Sabine Schmitz, Nurburgring taxi driver. Just watch it.

My McRib Review

It started with an iPhone check on my way from the Moneybrother show last night:

My obvious response was “I’m heading to Penn with 5-6 drinks in me. I’ll tell you how it is.” Well, this is how it is. [ed note: This is my unedited response at 12:40AM while waiting for the 12:41 train to depart. I was impressed with how thorough it is.]

Time Travel Movies and the Paradoxes Within

I saw this on Gizmodo last night and it’s pretty emblematic of everything I feel about time travel movies as a genre. For instance, in Hot Tub Time Machine [spoiler alert!] everyone comes back to the future and–as far as we can tell–just slips right into their glossy new lives. And I don’t get how that works. You can’t just start RUNNING a recording studio/production house. You can’t just be married to someone for 20 years and then come back and not know them. I’m confused.

One Must Knowst Oneself

You win again, Steve Jobs [hits refresh on the Mac refurb store again].

OK GO at Terminal 5 or: We Made The Guy From OKGO Uncomfortable

OK GO Is Pretty Great, Depending On How You Feel About Them

There are a lot of people that maintain that they’d write better music if they stopped making those elaborate (and yes, kickass) videos. That reasoning disregards the nuances of the entertainment landscape post-YouTube. OK GO, from my memory, has always been a perpetually evolving performance art outfit. Even their videos from their self-titled freshman album were strange and meticulously thought-out, if a little obvious (I’m looking at you, “Get Over It”), statements.

My Mom Went To See the Social Network Last Weekend

So today I sent this to her:

She didn’t appreciate it.

[via Dave Makes’ Flickr and Gizmodo and the rest of the internet]

Vegans: Hezbollah Offshoot, or Worse?

Tony Bourdain’s been saying this for years (the Hezbollah splinter group thing… not the cow thing). Streakr

In Defense of the 2005 World Series or: Look Deeper, You Lazy Bastards!

Ed Note: This is an inaugural guest post by our very good friend, Brian Berman. Keep track of his posts with the tag, “Berman Is Always Right.” Cause he is, and it’s true.

The World Series is upon us, pitting the San Francisco “You have to go back to New York to find our last championship” Giants against the Texas “What World Series appearance?” Rangers. These are two fan bases that do not get enough “tortured” cred^[1], so I’m truly ok with either of them taking the title. In fact, this is going to be my first stress-free World Series since the excellent 2005 World Series^[2] where the Chicago White Sox swept the Houston Astros.